Post by Ryan H. on Sept 11, 2011 15:13:57 GMT -5
I have noticed recently that the students here are way out of line after and during class. In an attempt to eliminate some of these issues, I have devised a new set of rules that will form the 'Hogwarts Student Creed'. Each student will be expected to follow rules pertaining to the prevention of each problem I have encountered during this school year.
1. Black Pheonix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".
2. I will not offer to pose nude for Professor Stevenson.
3. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord to suspected Dark Wizards.
4. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.
5. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Stein private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
6. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.
7. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
8. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
9. I will not bring a Magic Eight ball to Divination class
10. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause
11. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
12. I am not a sloth Animagus.
13. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
14. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
15. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
16. I will not tye-dye the owls.
17. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.
18. - Or anywhere else for that matter.
19. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
20. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
21. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
22. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
23. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
24. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
25. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.
26. I will not refer to the hippogriff as "Horseybird".
27. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge.
28. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor
29. - Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
30. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry
31. - Or the teacher laundry.
32. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.
33. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.
34. - Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
35. Gryffindor courage does not come from bottles labeled firewhiskey
36. - Charming the label does not change anything.
37. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.
38. - Even if I bring enough for everyone.
39. Peeves may not countermand any of my Professors' or Prefects' orders.
40. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
41. - Testing this is not funny.
42. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
43. The proper way to report to a Professor is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
44. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.
45. Neither is the Fat Lady.
46. When someone accuses me of not wearing any trousers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.
47. - Especially if I can't.
48. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
49. I am not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.
50. - Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.
51. The Headmaster is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
52. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu.
53. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."
54. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
55. My headmaster's name is not "Gandalf."
56. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
57. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.
58. There is no bring a muggle to school day.
59. I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.
60. Should I chance to see a Dementor wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera."
61. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
62. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
63. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
64. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
65. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
66. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
67. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
68. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
69. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.
70. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
71. - Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.
72. I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.
73. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
74. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.
75. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.
76. I am not the wicked witch of the west.
75. I will not melt if water is poured over me.
77. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
78. I am not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".
79. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
80. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.
81. - Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.
82. Playboys are not on the reading list for muggle studies.
83. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
84. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.
85. - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
86. - Especially not with kazoos.
87. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
88. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... GOT... THE... POWER!'
89. I am not a Vampire Slayer.
90. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
91. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
92. - Battle-axes are not accepted either.
93. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
94. I cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
95. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.
96. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
All students will be expected to follow the above rules effective immediately.
1. Black Pheonix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".
2. I will not offer to pose nude for Professor Stevenson.
3. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord to suspected Dark Wizards.
4. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.
5. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Stein private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
6. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.
7. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
8. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
9. I will not bring a Magic Eight ball to Divination class
10. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause
11. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
12. I am not a sloth Animagus.
13. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
14. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
15. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
16. I will not tye-dye the owls.
17. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.
18. - Or anywhere else for that matter.
19. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
20. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
21. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
22. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
23. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
24. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
25. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.
26. I will not refer to the hippogriff as "Horseybird".
27. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge.
28. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor
29. - Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
30. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry
31. - Or the teacher laundry.
32. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.
33. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.
34. - Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
35. Gryffindor courage does not come from bottles labeled firewhiskey
36. - Charming the label does not change anything.
37. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.
38. - Even if I bring enough for everyone.
39. Peeves may not countermand any of my Professors' or Prefects' orders.
40. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
41. - Testing this is not funny.
42. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
43. The proper way to report to a Professor is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
44. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.
45. Neither is the Fat Lady.
46. When someone accuses me of not wearing any trousers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.
47. - Especially if I can't.
48. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
49. I am not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.
50. - Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.
51. The Headmaster is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
52. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu.
53. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."
54. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
55. My headmaster's name is not "Gandalf."
56. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
57. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.
58. There is no bring a muggle to school day.
59. I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.
60. Should I chance to see a Dementor wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera."
61. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
62. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
63. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
64. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
65. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
66. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
67. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
68. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
69. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.
70. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
71. - Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.
72. I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.
73. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
74. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.
75. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.
76. I am not the wicked witch of the west.
75. I will not melt if water is poured over me.
77. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
78. I am not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".
79. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
80. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.
81. - Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.
82. Playboys are not on the reading list for muggle studies.
83. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
84. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.
85. - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
86. - Especially not with kazoos.
87. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
88. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... GOT... THE... POWER!'
89. I am not a Vampire Slayer.
90. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
91. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
92. - Battle-axes are not accepted either.
93. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
94. I cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
95. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.
96. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
All students will be expected to follow the above rules effective immediately.
